Sunday, April 19, 2015

Trust will not save your child: Child abusers are trust-worthy!



My father worked as a Risk-Manager for a city maintenance company for around 10 years. As a result of which, he became extra perceptive toward the dangers that a society can present in a normal routine day. Given that he was blessed with 4 daughters also added to him being extra vigilant, careful and somewhat suspicious to the everyday elements that we would otherwise ignore or pay less attention to than was mandated. The good that came out of it was, we sisters grew up protected from the evils of the general culture Alhumdulilah.

About 15 years ago, my sister and I moved to Pakistan from our humble abode in Saudi Arabia. This was a whole new world to us, with new challenges with an environment that was much less controlled than we were used to (including the general lack of respect for the prevalent laws of the country!). In order to make the transition easier for us, and to ensure that we do not encounter any unpleasant people specially when it came to domestic workforce, my father devised a detailed a socio-economic-personal analysis document that he would diligently fill up at the time of the interview of any new domestic staff including maids and/or drivers along with obtaining a photocopy of all of their identity documents (License, CNIC). It did not stop here; he would also ensure that he knows exactly where the driver lives and whether the permanent address on CNIC matches (as it turned out in one of the driver’s case that the provided address was actually an empty plot, but I digress). CNIC verification service also came in handy and he would make full use of it.  Here I would like to emphasize that he was ever more vigilant when it came to hiring a driver, as he is entrusted with your children and your car and will be spending some or most of the travel time alone with them.

Given this background, it would come as no surprise that the way drivers are hired and used in our culture is beyond shocking to me. I am blessed with 2 sons, but that has in no way made me any less vigilant than my late father was (may Allah SWT bless him with highest darjaats in Jannat-ul-firous. Aameen). My son has been going to school for the past 3 years now, and not a day has gone by where I would let him be alone in the car with the driver much less travel with him to or from school. The driver is not allowed to hold my kids in their laps; not even to hold their hands. My kids are instructed to tell the driver that they will rather hold Mama’s hand and jerk their hands away and tell me immediately if such an incident occurs (The “NO-GO-TELL” rule. Click here to read more about the rule).

Yet, everyday I come across so many little vulnerable kids below the age of 6 years who come to school absolutely unsupervised with their drivers. A lot of times I noticed a few kids who were visibly distraught and uncomfortable as the driver held their hands and literally dragged them towards school. One of incidents included a 3-year-old boy, who was waiting with the driver (and his driver friends) outside the school waiting for his sister to get off. The driver would keep patting him on the bottoms and a couple of time on his private parts in broad daylight! I was horrified to even imagine what his conduct would be like when he was alone with the child! Once the parents were informed and warned from the school, the mother’s rhetoric was; the driver is trusted and has been with the family for the past 10 years!



Why do we as parents choose to act so ignorant? Child sexual abuse is not a phenomenon that is exclusive to the west. It is unfortunately as prevalent in the South Asian culture as anywhere else. The sadder part is, it often goes un-reported because we as parents “trust” the drivers who have been working for past 10 years! If anything, the child is going to get a scolding for making something up so scandalous and shameful and silenced for life (not killed of course, but the channels of communication would be barred forever). According to the most recent SAHIL Cruel Numbers, the total number of sexual abuse cases in 2014, stand at a staggering 3508 including 8 cases which were directly reported to Sahil and it brings the number of abused children to 10 per day. This figure also shows an increase of 17% from the previous year. (Click Here to read the report)

The phenomenon is not exclusive to drivers of course, it is just as applicable to the baby-sitters and in our culture the full-time maids that we so blindly trust with our children. But at least in the case of maids the child is at home and hence (I am assuming) still within sight and supervision of an adult caregiver. In case of a driver, who is operating out of bounds of home and out of your sight the danger multiplies. The person in question might not a practicing pedophile, but do not underestimate the vengefulness of the downtrodden over the more vulnerable substitute of you; your innocent children!

Image courtesy of Google Images


Without getting into the various reasons why one would choose to abuse a child; the bottom line is, it is better to be safe than sorry. You cannot trust anyone, and I repeat, ANYONE other than yourself and immediate family members that your child can identify as “safe-persons” (point to be noted here, not all immediate family members might turn out to be safe persons for your child; child sexual abuse is generally inflicted upon by people that child already knows and are mostly family members!).

What to do?


Please do not let your child be alone with the driver even for a minute. As a mom, I totally understand how precious those extra minutes of freedom are in the morning. But nothing is more important than the safety and well being of your child. Always accompany your child to and from the school.

Do not allow them to manhandle your child even for the purpose of showing affection, no matter how trusted and old your driver might be.

Do not allow your child to sit in the driver’s lap while in the car. I even discourage sitting on the front seat, as it is dangerous and also it puts the child in a too close a proximity to the driver.

Ensure that you have detailed information about your driver available including all identity documents and reference numbers that you have verified and cross-checked. Insist on dropping the driver to his home a couple of times to do a physical verification of his home. If possible, get to know his family.

Obtain reference numbers and call them to check if they are genuine.

Keep photographs of the domestic staff.

Register your driver at the nearest police station. You can always report a case of abuse immediately at the police help line 15.

You can call at 15 or 1098 to report a child abuse case.


Be vigilant and perceptive towards the signs of discomfort and distress from your child. Sudden change in behavior, reluctance to go out, avoiding a certain person in a social interaction, all are signs that require further investigation and need to be taken very seriously. Do not shrug them off as “just a phase” or “woes of growing up”.

Be vigilant to all other children around you as well. Specifically the ones you encounter and witness outside your child’s school. If you notice anything suspicious (like a driver using force with a child to drag them, or a driver parked with a child in his lap around a street corner, or one who is being extra friendly and overly affectionate) approach the child and ask for the name and class and immediately inform the school management so an appropriate action can be taken. Do it for a child you do not know and someday some stranger will look after your child in their time of need!

Spread the message and educate your fellow parents. Try your best to convince them and stress upon the dangers of ignoring the obvious safety steps. Be vigilant and on guard always. Help save a child from the trusted loyal laborers of our society.



Thursday, October 23, 2014

What schools can do to prevent 'Child Sexual Abuse'

A person sexually abuses a child when he or she exposes the child to sexual acts or behavior; that child may experience a variety of short and long term reactions as a consequence of that abuse. As parents our child's protection and safety are our primary concern. However, no matter how much we wish to, we cannot be around our kids 24/7. Kids will go to schools, clubs, friends' play-dates, birthday parties and field trips with or without the parents' supervision. In such scenarios we are putting our trust in other adults and care-givers to look after our kids. Unfortunately, like most parents, most of the care-givers (teachers, other moms) you will generally find around you are unaware of the dangers and high likelihood of incidence of child sexual abuse. Maids, drivers and other domestic staff are not counted here as they are not to be trusted with your child alone . Period. (This does not by any means imply that you should not be respectful and civil towards your domestic staff).


It is high time that our schools become active participants in standing against all kinds of child abuse. 

1. Educate your teachers on Child Sexual Abuse


It is essential that the school takes a leading role in teaching their staff on the dangers of Child Sexual Abuse and the high likelihood of it happening to any child. Teachers can act like an early warning system if they spot a sudden behavior/personality change in their students and should be trained on the appropriate way to communicate and approach the parents when they see any red flags. 

2. Ensure you have up-to-date personal details of your Staff


It is absolutely vital that all the staff at school as their up to date information in school records. The maids, watchmen, janitors and all other blue-collared staff should be registered with the nearest police station. Make sure that the records have copies of valid identifications (CNIC, license, personal references, phone numbers, photographs, thumb-prints etc). School rules should prohibit any scenario where the child is to be left alone under the supervision of any such staff (e.g., in all toilets there should be more than one maid present at all time and the teacher's aid from the specific class-room should always accompany the child to and fro the washrooms).

3. Conduct detailed background checks on your teachers


Teachers are one of the most respected professions and there really is no way to thank them enough for their contributions to our child's learning and growth. However, it does not absolve the school from conducting thorough background checks when they are hiring a new staff member. Make sure that you contact the personal references provided and also any other school for which the said person has worked before and inquire about the reasons for leaving.

4. Make Good Touch - Bad Touch Awareness part of curricula


"Indeed, childhood is like a laboratory of social connection. Sharing, negotiating, sticking up for the one who is being excluded, finding something good to say, playing by the rules—these simple tasks of childhood can become life skills of the highest order," writes psychiatrist Edward M. Hallowell. Loving and trusting the caregivers is something that comes naturally to all children, so does the difference between a good touch and a bad touch. But the while the child knows how to response to good touch and safe adults, they might not understand how they are supposed to react to a bad touch and who to tell if they feel uncomfortable and unsafe. The perpetrator is always intimidating and the child might even fear for their lives. Hence it is important that all schools ensure that they teach the child self-defense rules starting with "NO-GO-TELL" (for more on this rule please click here). Along with the workshop, poems, posters and essays should be part of the academic curricula (for a sample grade 3 curricula on this subject please click here)

5. Conduct workshops for Child Sexual Abuse Awareness for older students/parents


Senior students of the same school can act as excellent counselors for the young ones. They exude an aura of trust and protection and are more approachable for other students as compared to a teacher. Student counselers and secret drop boxes where children can make complaints in confidence are an essential step towards a integrated front against the abusers and to provide a platform of support for any victims.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Good Touch Bad Touch Poems

It is known fact that rhymes help you memorize better. For pre-schoolers poems and rhymes are essential to aid their learning through repetition and storage of vital information in the long term memory. You can use the good touch - bad touch poems to teach your children the vital lesson regarding their four un-touchable zones of their bodies. The lesson is two-fold, they are not to allow anyone to touch them, neither are they allowed to touch anyone else in these areas. Keep reinforcing this message by talking to your child on this matter.

You can download the PDF version of the poem here .

Thanks to ECA India for making the poem available for everyone concerned.


Saturday, October 18, 2014

NO-GO-TELL PRINCIPLE


Our children are our most precious gift and protecting them from the ills of the society is one of the major worries of every parent. Recently, the cases of child abuse have taken a turn for the worse and every day you come across horrid tales of strangers as well as trustworthy caregivers abusing the children in way or another. Even if we wish to, we cannot be around our kids 24/7. It is therefore imperative that we teach them to say "NO" to a bad touch and any uncomfortable situation and/or adult, get away from such a person and immediately find a safe person to confide in.



1. Shout out "NO"

Teach the child that their body is their private property and they have the right to decide what makes them comfortable and what makes them feel unsafe. Teach them the difference between good touch and bad touch. Identify the 4 areas to your child (Mouth, Chest/Tummy, Area bw their legs and Bottoms) which no one is allowed to touch and if anyone except the safe person touches them, they have the right to yell "NO". Keep reinforcing the message.


2. Get away from the perpetrator

Teach your child that if anyone, whether or not they are a stranger, make them feel uncomfortable in any way or hurt them or touch them in the aforementioned zones then get away from that person immediately. Tell them that they have to RUN away from that person and get to a safe person immediately.


3. Tell a "Safe" person

Sit with your child and ask them to identify a few safe people in their life. Then educate them that they can always approach their safe people and talk to them about anything without fearing any backlash and/or criticism of any kind. Teach them that the safe persons that they have identified are their friends and will protect them from anyone who intends to make the child uncomfortable or try to hurt them in any way. It is vital that they child can trust their safe person with absolutely anything.




You can download the NO-GO-TELL POSTER

Read more at: http://nobadtouch.com (By Dr. Bhooshan Shukla M.D.)