Trust will not save your child: Child abusers are trust-worthy!

My father worked as a Risk-Manager for a city maintenance company for around 10 years. As a result of which, he became extra perceptive toward the dangers that a society can present in a normal routine day. Given that he was blessed with 4 daughters also added to him being extra vigilant, careful and somewhat suspicious to the everyday elements that we would otherwise ignore or pay less attention to than was mandated. The good that came out of it was, we sisters grew up protected from the evils of the general culture Alhumdulilah.

About 15 years ago, my sister and I moved to Pakistan from our humble abode in Saudi Arabia. This was a whole new world to us, with new challenges with an environment that was much less controlled than we were used to (including the general lack of respect for the prevalent laws of the country!). In order to make the transition easier for us, and to ensure that we do not encounter any unpleasant people specially when it came to domestic workforce, my father devised a detailed a socio-economic-personal analysis document that he would diligently fill up at the time of the interview of any new domestic staff including maids and/or drivers along with obtaining a photocopy of all of their identity documents (License, CNIC). It did not stop here; he would also ensure that he knows exactly where the driver lives and whether the permanent address on CNIC matches (as it turned out in one of the driver’s case that the provided address was actually an empty plot, but I digress). CNIC verification service also came in handy and he would make full use of it.  Here I would like to emphasize that he was ever more vigilant when it came to hiring a driver, as he is entrusted with your children and your car and will be spending some or most of the travel time alone with them.

Given this background, it would come as no surprise that the way drivers are hired and used in our culture is beyond shocking to me. I am blessed with 2 sons, but that has in no way made me any less vigilant than my late father was (may Allah SWT bless him with highest darjaats in Jannat-ul-firous. Aameen). My son has been going to school for the past 3 years now, and not a day has gone by where I would let him be alone in the car with the driver much less travel with him to or from school. The driver is not allowed to hold my kids in their laps; not even to hold their hands. My kids are instructed to tell the driver that they will rather hold Mama’s hand and jerk their hands away and tell me immediately if such an incident occurs (The “NO-GO-TELL” rule. Click here to read more about the rule).

Yet, everyday I come across so many little vulnerable kids below the age of 6 years who come to school absolutely unsupervised with their drivers. A lot of times I noticed a few kids who were visibly distraught and uncomfortable as the driver held their hands and literally dragged them towards school. One of incidents included a 3-year-old boy, who was waiting with the driver (and his driver friends) outside the school waiting for his sister to get off. The driver would keep patting him on the bottoms and a couple of time on his private parts in broad daylight! I was horrified to even imagine what his conduct would be like when he was alone with the child! Once the parents were informed and warned from the school, the mother’s rhetoric was; the driver is trusted and has been with the family for the past 10 years!

Why do we as parents choose to act so ignorant? Child sexual abuse is not a phenomenon that is exclusive to the west. It is unfortunately as prevalent in the South Asian culture as anywhere else. The sadder part is, it often goes un-reported because we as parents “trust” the drivers who have been working for past 10 years! If anything, the child is going to get a scolding for making something up so scandalous and shameful and silenced for life (not killed of course, but the channels of communication would be barred forever). According to the most recent SAHIL Cruel Numbers, the total number of sexual abuse cases in 2014, stand at a staggering 3508 including 8 cases which were directly reported to Sahil and it brings the number of abused children to 10 per day. This figure also shows an increase of 17% from the previous year. (Click Here to read the report)

The phenomenon is not exclusive to drivers of course, it is just as applicable to the baby-sitters and in our culture the full-time maids that we so blindly trust with our children. But at least in the case of maids the child is at home and hence (I am assuming) still within sight and supervision of an adult caregiver. In case of a driver, who is operating out of bounds of home and out of your sight the danger multiplies. The person in question might not a practicing pedophile, but do not underestimate the vengefulness of the downtrodden over the more vulnerable substitute of you; your innocent children!

Image courtesy of Google Images

Without getting into the various reasons why one would choose to abuse a child; the bottom line is, it is better to be safe than sorry. You cannot trust anyone, and I repeat, ANYONE other than yourself and immediate family members that your child can identify as “safe-persons” (point to be noted here, not all immediate family members might turn out to be safe persons for your child; child sexual abuse is generally inflicted upon by people that child already knows and are mostly family members!).

What to do?

Please do not let your child be alone with the driver even for a minute. As a mom, I totally understand how precious those extra minutes of freedom are in the morning. But nothing is more important than the safety and well being of your child. Always accompany your child to and from the school.

Do not allow them to manhandle your child even for the purpose of showing affection, no matter how trusted and old your driver might be.

Do not allow your child to sit in the driver’s lap while in the car. I even discourage sitting on the front seat, as it is dangerous and also it puts the child in a too close a proximity to the driver.

Ensure that you have detailed information about your driver available including all identity documents and reference numbers that you have verified and cross-checked. Insist on dropping the driver to his home a couple of times to do a physical verification of his home. If possible, get to know his family.

Obtain reference numbers and call them to check if they are genuine.

Keep photographs of the domestic staff.

Register your driver at the nearest police station. You can always report a case of abuse immediately at the police help line 15.

You can call at 15 or 1098 to report a child abuse case.

Be vigilant and perceptive towards the signs of discomfort and distress from your child. Sudden change in behavior, reluctance to go out, avoiding a certain person in a social interaction, all are signs that require further investigation and need to be taken very seriously. Do not shrug them off as “just a phase” or “woes of growing up”.

Be vigilant to all other children around you as well. Specifically the ones you encounter and witness outside your child’s school. If you notice anything suspicious (like a driver using force with a child to drag them, or a driver parked with a child in his lap around a street corner, or one who is being extra friendly and overly affectionate) approach the child and ask for the name and class and immediately inform the school management so an appropriate action can be taken. Do it for a child you do not know and someday some stranger will look after your child in their time of need!

Spread the message and educate your fellow parents. Try your best to convince them and stress upon the dangers of ignoring the obvious safety steps. Be vigilant and on guard always. Help save a child from the trusted loyal laborers of our society.